Drunk Texting Would Be Heaven Compared to This

“Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take.”

“If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take.”

“I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I’m going to give her my number.”

These are actual text messages from a Web site called Texts From Last Night. Yes, of course this Web site offers hours of fun and laughter, but it also makes a gruesome point…sometimes when we go out to have a good time we don’t always remember how to keep our social media shirts on.

Personally (not saying I drink in excess), I would much rather send someone an inebriated text message than wake up to a Facebook video of me dancing on a bar pulling my shirt off…and with $40 lying all around me.

EITHER WAY – if you or your friends are among the 28 percent of the population with smartphones, you are prey walking among hungry lions.

Although I have no idea how to warn the general public that even one Four Loko will make the most composed of creatures giggle uncontrollably and crave sweet, delicious Allsup’s burritos with taco sauce at ridiculous times of the morning, or shield the eyes of a girlfriend from a video on Facebook showing you at that bar, in which she was not in attendance, and where you may or may not have taken your shirt off (and made $40), but I have found some killer tips on how to avoid your bad social media decisions.

  1. This was developed by Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz of CNN: “Let’s start with the most old-school of communication devices — the phone — and a simple exercise: 1). Take out your phone, 2). Close your eyes, 3). Scroll through your contacts 4). Open your eyes, 5). Dial. If you’re now thinking to yourself, “Oh, no! Don’t call THAT PERSON!” it’s time to clean out your phone.”
  2. In the past, the lesser-known Gmail feature only gave you 5 seconds to un-email, but a few months ago, the service extended that limit to 30 seconds. To unlock this ability, merely click the little green icon on the top right of your inbox, which will take you to Google Labs. Find “Enable Undo Send,” do so, and choose the 30-second option. Remember: After enabling it, you still have to go up to “settings” to change the duration. Still don’t trust yourself? Scroll down to the “Mail Goggles” app in Google Lab — during windows of time you assign (say, 1 to 6 a.m.), it asks you to complete a few simple math problems before you proceed with the emailing. It’s like a more helpful version of, “How many fingers am I holding up?”
  3. Developed by the same two girls, I have to share this tip given by them:

“It’s 4 a.m. and you are a pathetic loser. You’re tweeting incessantly about how your parents think you’re a disappointment, how you think you’re in love with your intern and how that weird rash on your– Oh, and did we mention there’s a half-empty bottle of vodka and a fully empty container of Mexican takeout in bed with you? Yeah. Times are tough.

Luckily for you, you can actually prevent such sad-sack behavior with a simple download. Just last week, web security company Webroot came out with a social media sobriety test. It’s basically a Firefox plugin that, once installed, will require you to pass a test (like typing the alphabet backwards) in order to access services like Twitter, Facebook and MySpace between certain (inebriated) hours.

Now if only you could install said plugin on your fridge. Did you really need to consume an entire block of cheese?”

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